Maxwell Family Values
by Luchia13
Summary: Sometimes, when you don't have one, you get the chance to pick your own family. And sometimes that choice can be very, very...misguided. Looots of slash, AU in EVERYTHING, primary X-overs KH2, FF7, D.Gray-Man, Gundam Wing, Naruto.
1. How Maxwells Know They're Maxwells

**Maxwell Family Values**

**---**

_1. Your life is your own to live, but you'll probably fuck it up. Because that's how Maxwells know they're Maxwells._

_---_

The first day of school, three hours in, and Duo Maxwell was already in detention.

About an hour later, Heero Yuy joined him in the nearly empty Room 101 of South City High.

"Beat ya," Duo grinned at his best friend/boyfriend as the other brunet glared and sat next to him, the heavy KLUNK of his bag on the desk already telling the sixteen-year-old what had sent Heero in. "You know, most people wait until at least getting home before hacking into their school's database."

"Most people are morons," he said. To most it would have sounded like a distant, arrogant insult, but Duo knew him too well for that. In fact, he knew Heero well enough to see that he was pouting.

"So who's the not-moron that managed to catch you, then?"

Heero twitched a bit at that. "…Iruka."

Duo winced. "Ooooh, yeah, that'd do it alright." He perked up. "Oh but hey, that means you've got him for fourth period, right? AP World History?"

"We have the same schedule for every class, Duo," Heero stated, a bit tired. Understandable, considering the hours the blue-eyed boy usually kept. Waking up at six thirty must have been a bitch when he usually got to sleep around four in the morning. "We have the same schedule because we have the exact same AP classes for every period for every day for-"

"The whole year, yeah, I get it," Duo huffed. "Just don't see why we can't get, I don't know, married or something so then alphabetical seating would just stick us together."

"Then they'd go by first name."

"Hmmm. Would you mind switching your name to Dheero? Or does Hduo sound better?"

Heero just blinked at him. It was the 'how can you be so intelligent and yet so stupid' blink.

…yeah, Duo probably knew him too well to read that one. But he didn't find himself really caring. Hey, the man had yet to even object to the roundabout proposal, he was in a good mood.

"I'm surprised Rabi isn't in here yet," Heero said, barely covering a yawn.

Duo blinked at him in surprise, indigo eyes quickly turning concerned. "…he graduated last spring, Heero."

His comrade-in-detention's eyebrows rose, and then seemed to furrow in some expression that, for once, Duo couldn't read.

"How much sleep did you get in the past three days, Heero." It wasn't a question, and his boyfriend knew better than to try to dodge this particular streak of his best friend. Some called it 'the Maxwell protective streak', but considering who the Maxwells were, they didn't call it that anywhere one could even potentially be lurking about. And considering the oldest Maxwells' career choices, that wasn't many places at all.

"…five."

Heero was an idiot. A ridiculously hot, intelligent, dryly humorous idiot who couldn't take care of a potted plant, let alone himself. Duo smacked him upside the head. The fact Heero didn't even catch his hand was further proof the boy was about to pass out or die or something.

"Then go to fucking sleep," Duo growled, shoving his own bookbag (packed only with a pillow, because the first day of school almost always ended up like this until his teachers figured out to _just put him next to Heero fucking Yuy already_) on Heero's desk and not terribly gently pushing the other boy's head down onto it.

It was pretty much an instantaneous reaction, like wincing when you were about to run into a brick wall. One hand wrapped on the tail end of Duo's braid as his eyes slid shut, and he was out, head practically buried in the worn denim fabric of his bookbag. Luckily his braid had gotten long enough over the years that he could still be plenty comfortable with staring out the window or leaning back in his chair.

Time passed. Kanda Yuu, seventeen-year-old last-semester senior and not-boyfriend of Duo's older brother Rabi Maxwell (the youngest older brother, not to be confused with the other two) made an appearance with good old Wufei after lunch, as it appeared they'd gotten in ANOTHER fight or spar or whatever the hell they called beating the shit out of each other for fun nowadays. Kanda got to leave after lunch, but not Chang Wufei. Oh, no. Grumbling, the Chinese boy took his spot in front of Duo, not surprised in the slightest by Heero's near-dead appearance, rigor mortis clutching around the braid and all.

"Nearly had him, right?" Duo grinned, and his friend bristled.

"I'm just too damned slow," Wufei muttered, crossing his arms and scowling. Which, for Wufei, was pouting. Pitch black eyes snapped to innocent indigo. "How the hell does he do it? You know the man better than me, so how is he that fast?"

Duo pretended to think about it for a minute, brow furrowed as he made thinking-ish noises. "Hmmmmmmmmmmm…I think, maybe…dodging Rabi?"

Wufei snorted. "All you Maxwells are alike, I swear. Find the most contrary person you can and latch onto them."

"Heeeey! Heero's not contrary! And I'd like you to note who exactly is being latched onto right now." He paused. "And don't go around saying shit like that, or my brothers will eat you alive."

"Reno and Axel are scary," Wufei glared. "You and Rabi, however, are not."

"Reno and Axel scare me sometimes," Duo said good-naturedly. "But they're NOTHING compared to the Wrath of Rabi if you walk into his libraroom without knocking. He has hammers."

Wufei's eyes widened, and Duo nodded, deadly serious.

"HAMMERS. Give me electrocution or fire any day over a fucking HAMMER to the FACE. Really good aim for a guy with one eye, too."

"…you really weren't kidding about that 'dodging Rabi' bit, were you?" Wufei asked, a bit unnerved.

Duo just grinned. "What can I say? Life in the House of Maxwell is a special, scary place."

Which was when the door opened again and two more kids – these were sophomores, Duo guessed, although from the Ouran Prep-School uniform on the dark-haired one and the unrecognized face on the blond (who had SCARS on his face; Duo was immediately pissed off) they were both brand spanking new to good-old South City High. Iruka, who stood behind the two, practically shoved them through the doors.

"NOW STOP FIGHTING, DAMN IT!"

The dark-haired kid took that as his cue to punch the blond in the face, which ended up with them rolling around punching each other on the tile floor. THAT ended up with Iruka bodily prying the bloodied-up blond off the slightly less bloody Mr. Happyface, Iruka looking about ready to blow a gasket.

"…I'd step in Wufei, but, uh." Duo motioned to the death grip on his braid. Wufei gave him one of those 'WHY AM I YOUR FRIEND' looks, and Duo just did his best to smile winningly. "Get one of them near enough to me and I can take them off your hands."

"I'm taking you up on that," Wufei grumbled, and hurried forward to pull Mr. Happyface to the side of the room. The kid even managed to get a punch in on Wufei, which was damned impressive all things considered, and Iruka quickly hustled the (ABUSED) blond over to Duo.

Iruka wasn't the most respected and admired teacher in the school for nothing. The man could read a situation better than a general. Freshman swore by the eyes in the back of his head. Seniors swore by the scar across his nose.

Maxwells swore by his perceptiveness.

"Duo, do me a favor and be a positive influence for once," Iruka growled, Duo giving him an innocent 'who, me?' look. "Naruto, behave or next time it's to the principle's office, understand?"

"But HE STARTED IT!" the kid – Naruto, Duo reminded himself while trying to decide between laughing at the young teen or cheering him on – hissed out, but Iruka was already gone.

"And yet he looks the cool, quiet, conceited type to me," Duo commented, slipping carefully out of his chair and grabbing the kid's shoulders. The movement earned some muttering from Heero as the braid shifted, which in turn got Duo stares from both parties in the fistfight.

When it looked like Naruto was about to snap out something about the situation, Duo's glare managed to slice the words in half before they even got out of his mouth.

"Alright kid, I know I sound like a cheesy cop movie, but we can do this the easy way or the hard way," he said. "And by 'hard way' I mean knocking you unconscious and kicking you awake when the bell rings. Easy way is you sit down and we have a little chat about why to be more discrete when trying to beat the crap out of people."

Naruto stared at him some more, clearly too flabbergasted at the situation to really even try to start screeching. Duo sighed.

"If someone really deserves getting the snot punched out of them, they don't deserve a chance to fight back either," Duo said, practically quoting a speech he'd received from his eldest brother the day he and Axel picked a bloody little purple-eyed thief up off the city streets. "And if you really feel like giving them that chance to fight back you're either being an idiot or a fool, or it's just not worth it. Only pick a fight you know you'll come out of better than the other guy."

Naruto squinted at him. Duo hated that the kid was already about the same height as he was. "I thought you were supposed to tell me to not pick fights, not hit them when they're not looking."

"That's because most people are stupid or lying to you," Duo said simply, grinning, and ruffled the blond's hair, only to have his hand smacked away. "Oooooh, feisty." He glanced over at Wufei, one arm still around Naruto. "Did Mr. Puppy Fun Time calm down enough to release?"

"My name is Sasuke," Mr. Puppy Fun Time bit out, nearly getting out of Wufei's hold.

"I say we lock them in the closet and let them kill each other," Wufei hissed at the little demon.

"Or I move my braid and let them wake Heero up," Duo grinned viciously, and Wufei paled.

"Christ, Maxwell, we want them to BEHAVE, not DIE," he snapped, and Duo shrugged.

"Hey, just an idea, alright? Brainstorming, it's called," he laughed easily. The only bad thing was that Wufei knew he'd been serious, and knew what usually happened when a sleep-deprived Heero Yuy was woken up. That was something out of a Chuck Norris joke but with more screaming and less laughter. "If Kanda was still here we could just sic him on them."

By now the two boys were too busy trying to follow the conversation to pay each other any real attention aside from occasional glares, and Wufei knew it too.

"You can't sic Kanda Yuu on someone."

Duo grinned again. "You can sic Kanda on someone if you can sic Rabi on Kanda."

Wufei just shook his head. "All Maxwells are fucked up in the head."

"Naaah, we're just kinda sociopaths," Duo shrugged, and pushed Naruto into the seat previously occupied by Wufei, sitting himself back down in his original desk.

"You're a Maxwell?" Mr – no, no it was SASUKE, right – SASUKE asked apprehensively. "I thought they were redheads."

"Yeah, well, most are, but only two of us are biologically related," Duo shrugged, leaning his chin on the palm of his hand. He paused, an intrigued smile on his lips despite himself. "You just got here and you've heard of us?"

Sasuke made a disdainful sound, brushing off his baby blue uniform (no wonder he was defensive, wearing something like that). "First thing I was told about was to watch out for Maxwells if I went to South City."

"Hey, hey, you're a famous family? Like the Hyuugas?"

Duo shuddered at that. "No, we are NOT morticians."

"Autopsy physicians," Sasuke and Wufei corrected him.

"WHATEVER," Duo snapped. "They're creepy. Even Hinata's creepy, even though I bet QUATRE could beat her up."

"Quatre Winner has extensive hand-to-hand combat training," Wufei deadpanned.

"But he looks like a wimp, that's all I'm saying really," Duo defended. "I love Quat, you know I do, but JESUS do Hyuugas give me the creeps."

"But that's not what I was asking!" Naruto sighed irritably. "Why the hell does that bastard know your family? ARE you guys famous?"

"We're more infamous, actually," Duo grinned. "Very bad people to get to know, really. Vicious sense of humor, kick people when they're down, eat kitties, punt babies, all that."

Nobody in the room was impressed in the slightest.

"Geez, tough crowd," he muttered to nobody in particular.

Wufei made a noise suspiciously like an amused sigh. "The Maxwells are a family of orphans, picked up by the original biological Maxwells, who take in those that…mesh with their…lifestyle."

"…thanks?" Duo asked. Wufei just shrugged.

"So what do you have to do to get into your famous orphanage, huh?" Naruto asked, bright blue eyes huge.

"Well, uh, being a Maxwell means you have to fit a few criteria." Most of which Naruto already fit, even before Duo had recognized the kid would be a knock-out when he'd done a bit more growing up. Thinking of which, both kids seemed to fit it, really. With a bit of Maxwell family time, they could fit right in. But Sasuke…Sasuke was more a Kanda/Heero/Rufus type. And if Naruto DID end up a Maxwell, Duo had a suspicion that Sasuke himself would end up on that list.

…hell, Duo had met Heero by shooting him, and Reno had met Rufus after killing the man's mother. What was a fist fight compared to either of those?

"Alright then kid, you feel like trying out for the Maxwell family?" Duo asked. Horrifyingly enough, he was actually serious.

"Duo," Wufei warned, but it was already too late.

"HELL YES I DO," Naruto, the idiot, grinned at him, those scars on his face creasing with the force of it.

"Then go tell Sasuke about beating people up in dark alleys while I call my brother," Duo said.

Naruto glared at him.

Duo's glare beat it bloody in a back street, and Naruto reluctantly moved over to talk with Sasuke and, coincidentally, Wufei.

"Kid, trust me when I say _nobody_ should volunteer to be a Maxwell," Wufei said quietly as Duo tried to figure out how to get his phone out of his bookbag without waking his sleep-deprived (and homicidal) boyfriend in the process. "Saying they have no morals is being polite. The oldest is in so deep in Shinra that his name doesn't even technically appear anywhere but the bankroll, the second is…hell, even DUO doesn't know that one, and the third lost an eye when he was in _elementary school_."

"And Duo?" asked Sasuke warily.

His face was suspiciously blank. "…you just don't cross Duo. Ever."

"What if you do?" Naruto asked.

As tempted as Wufei was to snap about how this was DETENTION and not horror stories around a campfire, he simply glared. "Then you disappear."

He couldn't even remember their names anymore. A part of Wufei felt guilty about that, but he was mostly grateful. Because with names came faces, and with faces, questions.

"You just don't cross Duo," he found himself saying again, quiet as he watched Duo tenderly cradle his lover's head in his arms and pickpocket his own bag for the cell phone at the same time, and the contented little sound Heero made at the contact as Duo ghosted a kiss on his best friend's jawline.

"And he's gay?" Naruto asked. No malice, just an inquiry.

Wufei snorted. "I have yet to meet a single person in this city who wasn't at least bi. Welcome to sexuality in the city."

---

Meanwhile, in a warehouse on the west side of the city, Reno Maxwell was casually wiping blood off the white collar of the shirt underneath his uniform- a black suit, "regulation" sunglasses propped in his hairline, and two weapons, a gun in a shoulder holster and his beloved, innocent-looking little iron rod in hand – when his phone rang.

His partner Rude looked up from where he was looking through the recently vacated office's file cabinets, only for Reno to wave his caution aside, rolling his green eyes as he recognized the ring of his phone.

"Yo, Duo, I'm at WORK you know," he said a bit caustically into his cell. "This can't wait until I'm off in--" he checked his watch, and frowned. "Aw, Christ, don't tell me you're suspended already or some shit like that. It's the first day of the school year, can't you and Yuy keep yourselves in check for eight fucking hours?"

"Yeah, love you too, Reno," Duo's sarcasm traveled down the line. "And I'm in DETENTION, not suspended. Fuck, you and Axel are the only ones who've managed suspension on the first day."

"That teacher was just ASKING for it though," Reno defended.

"Listen, I'm not getting into this right now. I made a new friend here in detention, and wanted to bring him over for dinner."

Reno froze.

"Maxwell material, I mean."

"…let me get this straight," Reno said, twirling the rod like a policeman with his riot baton. "In five hours, you found a pretty, abused, potentially sadistic, physically able kid with a partiality towards pranks and pyromaniacism."

"Actually, yeah. Nice alliteration, by the way," Duo said.

"Thanks, Rufus had me give my whole fucking briefing requiring the letter p in practica – STOP avoiding the QUESTION, dammit," Reno hissed. His younger brother laughed. "Is this kid seriously worth our time, Duo?"

"He wants to be, so I'd say yes."

Reno sat on the suede couch, away from the red wet spot.

"…name?"

"Naruto. Blond hair, blue eyes, scars on his cheeks. Looks like fingernails." The fact Duo got quieter and quieter during that bit of conversation wasn't lost on him one bit.

"Well, fuck," Reno said cheerfully. "Have Rabi make some pasta."

"Later, Reno."

"Yeah, later."

The line went dead, and the Turk hung up.

He turned to his partner, grinning, and held out his arms. "Look at me, I might be someone else's big brother role model."

Rude just shook his head. "Poor kid."

---

"Looks like you're coming with me to dinner, Naruto," Duo said, setting his phone down on the desk.

"AWESOME!" Naruto cried, elated.

Nobody else in the room seemed to agree very much with that, but was smart enough to shut their mouths.

---

A/N: Where have I been? WELL! I've been writing this! And expect to be swamped with what I've got so far, since I've decided to post it.


	2. No Such Thing As A Late Maxwell

**Maxwell Family Values**

_---_

_2. A Maxwell is never late. OR early. A Maxwell arrives whenever the fuck they feel like it. And if anyone says differently (and they don't sign your paycheck), you shoot the fucker in the face._

_---_

Rabi Maxwell was waiting outside South City High School when the bell rang, lounging against a pole and reading a huge dusty book with tiny print in a language only a tenth of the world knew existed, and only a tenth of that tenth could read.

It was porn.

He was an odd mix to any new eye, and Naruto was no different. The blond found himself staring at Rabi, taking in how he looked like some sort of one-eyed Irish gypsy. Right eye covered in a plain black eyepatch and raggedly cut red hair flopping across an elaborately patterned head…scarf…thing wrapped across his forehead, the young man also seemed to be wearing as many random silver accessories as he could get his hands on. Silver studs in his ears. A couple rings in the side of his right ear. Bangles on his wrists that jingled whenever he shifted. And the man was wearing tight leather pants, boots, and a dark gray shirt.

Naruto looked at Rabi, and then turned his eyes to Duo.

Purple eyes. Black pants. Black denim jacket, red shirt, black boots, ridiculously long brown braid, not a thing pierced…or at least anything he could see.

And yet, they seemed to stand exactly the same when Rabi finally smacked the book shut and grinned at Duo and Naruto. They had the same strange glint in the eye. Naruto remembered hearing something about nature and nurture or something like that, and these two seemed to back up that 'nurture' part pretty damn well.

"Reno says you're making pasta tonight," Duo said, chipper.

Rabi seemed to stare at Duo for a moment, his eye flicking down to Naruto, and then back up to Duo, where it finally closed and he sighed. "Damn it, why's everybody gotta do this to me?! I'd had that chicken defrosting since last night and now you want PASTA." He threw his arms up in the air. "NO RESPECT! I cook, I clean occasionally, I slave over my own hobbies and interests and THIS is the thanks I get!"

"Well hey, think of it as an experiment," Duo mock-consoled. "I've never had chicken pasta with marinara sauce."

Rabi hunched forward a bit, moping. "Those two and their obsession with marinara. What's wrong with alfredo for once? Maybe a little margherita pizza or something?"

Duo not-so-gently shoved Naruto in front of him, sending the kid stumbling into the redhead's empty hand. His dark green eye seemed to be measuring him for either a well-tailored suit or a coffin. Possibly both. "Do you even EAT? Jesus, you're nothing but skin and bones and-"

Naruto growled, smacked his hand away and managed to backpedal straight into Duo.

"Feisty, ain't he?" Rabi grinned at Duo, smacking the book into his empty hand as if to punctuate the point. "So, kid, you purely feral?"

"What the hell does that mean?" Naruto asked, brow furrowing.

Rabi sighed dramatically. "Not too bright though, is he --" he said, only to straighten up, eye wide as he suddenly smirked, running past Duo and stuffing his book into the pillow-filled bag with the same deft pickpocketry as Duo earlier that day, and…

Naruto's jaw dropped to the floor as Rabi catapulted himself onto the back of a senior, screaming out "BOSS!!!" as the poor victim flailed for a moment at the predicament, long, pitch-black hair flailing about as he grabbed one of Rabi's arms and threw him onto the grass, other hand already coming in for a swift punch to the face. Rabi grabbed the hand, still grinning like a loon, and managed to practically pin Kanda Yuu with his own misdirected movements. "How you been, Yuu?! Haven't seen you in forever!"

"You saw me two days ago, don't call me Yuu, and get OFF," Kanda growled, smart enough to avoid trying to buck the redhead off and instead trying to somehow bodily remove him with as little physical contact as possible.

"But Boss there's innocent children around, we can't do that here!" Rabi laughed. "What WOULD the PTA say when they heard what their poor freshman child had seen after school in the grass?"

"I think they'd say you belonged in a mental institution and advise a restraining order," Kanda snapped, finally managing to push the other boy off him and hastily rolling to his feet. "Don't you have some ink to go drool over or something?"

"Oh fine, I see how it is!" Rabi pouted, standing up. "Well my books love me more than you anyway, so go hiss and spit at some other poor, hapless individual."

Kanda just stared at him, mind clearly at least partially fried.

"Hey Rabi, uh, you DO remember Kanda's not the only person in the world, right?" Duo called out, earning dual affronted looks from the older boys. "RABI. FAMILY DINNER. You OWE me for the last laundry load I had to do."

The redhead slung his arm over one of Kanda's shoulders, giving his brother a bland look and ignoring the crimson of his armrest's face. "And why are you complaining about MY sheets instead of Reno's or Axel's?"

"Hair," Duo said innocently, and quickly grabbed Naruto by the arm and hurried them down a street, a vicious grin on his lips at the ensuing explosion behind him.

"HE'S JOKING KANDA I SWEAR!"

"AND THAT SHOULD MAKE ME WANT TO KILL YOU LESS WHY?"

"BECAUSE IT'S A JOOOOOOKE OW FUCK WHAT WAS THAT FOR-"

"SHUT UP. GO AWAY."

Naruto didn't even hear Rabi as he screeched to a halt next to Duo, wrestling his brother into a vicious headlock. "HAIR, HUH?! I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU HAIR, DUO!"

"Jesus CHRIST Rabi it was a JOKE-"

"Yeah well YOU can say that when Heero doesn't put out for a week-"

"I think I'll just go home and make some ramen," Naruto said, slightly horrified at the mess only TWO Maxwells could cause. Four of them together had to be some sign of the apocalypse or something.

Rabi and Duo froze, both turning to stare at him.

"Uh, please don't," Rabi said apologetically, his smile strangely sweet and charming. "Sorry. It's a…boyfriend thing, I guess."

"Yeah, sorry Naruto," Duo sighed, scratching his head and stepping aside from his taller brother with remarkable ease. "We're just horsing around, didn't mean to freak you out."

To Rabi, Duo whispered, "still kinda feral, remember?" and received a muted nod in return.

"So anyway, the House of Maxwell's just a quick subway ride a bit deeper into the city," Rabi said easily, the three already heading down another block and quickly hustling into the sub-level of the city, where the shiny, decrepit underground trains waited.

The ride was a shaky but short one, Rabi keeping a hand on Naruto's shoulder the whole time. The train was packed, every seat taken and most of the handholds as well. But that didn't seem to bother Rabi or Duo, since Duo was just sort of standing in the aisle…shifting, and Rabi was keeping Naruto propped up and leaning him along with the train as the Maxwells rode home.

The Sharp Street station was practically a hole in the ground covered in slowly crumbling tile, half of the off-white squares already revealing the old red brick behind it. The roof was sagging, even with the addition of a new iron column on the station platform. The floor was nothing but concrete just like every other station, but unlike the usual station platforms, which were dirty and more often than not vandalized, this one was practically a work of art via spray paint. Naruto walked across the jagged petals of a rainbow-flavored flower and would have felt guilty about it if Rabi and Duo hadn't been doing it with such ease.

"Sharp Street's not the best-looking place, but it's got nothing but good people on it," Rabi said, finally letting go of Naruto as they headed up the stairs and into the afternoon air.

"Some are painfully stupid, though," Duo mock-whispered to the blond, earning a laugh from Naruto and a whap from Rabi. Impressive, considering Duo was on his right, where a big black eye patch covered…whatever was left.

"Relax, Naruto, we're almost there," he said, turning a smile back toward the youngest in their little caravan. "A right, then a left…aaaand voila! 2802 Navras Avenue, commonly called the House of Maxwell!"

The building was three stories of hearty brick, with a clearly often-used fire escape on the side, with the second story's fire escape chalk full of potted plants. There was apparently a basement, too, since there was a concrete set of covered stairs on the opposite side as the fire escape. A standard-looking house flanked it on both sides, one white siding, the other a tan brick building, grass spreading between them along with, in the Maxwell's case, a rather elaborate iron fence that Duo was quickly opening the lock on the back gate. At least, it looked like the back. They were standing in the middle of an alley big enough to be considered a side street, after all.

"So, outdoors scenic viewing time while Duo picks the lock," Rabi said easily, ignoring the gape from Naruto and pointing to the house. "The basement's pretty much an apartment on its own, and that's where Axel lives. It's a bit too dark for the rest of us and you gotta cope with all the hissing and the groaning of the equipment down there, so we let the pale bastard sit around down there as long as he wants. Can't cook anyway, so he always ends up coming upstairs for food."

"Please tell me you're not timing this," Duo groaned as he pulled something out of his braid, glaring at the brand new orange lock.

"Can't get out of practice," Rabi said innocently, and then pointed toward the large windows on the first floor, half of which were covered with blinds while the other half were open and cheery, the back door separating the sets. "So, Reno, the oldest, gets the first floor. Or half of it anyway. His side's the one we can't see into, for work reasons. The other half is kind of like the common room. It's where we keep all our random fun crap and that's also where the kitchen and dining room and living room is. The family room is pretty much taken up by…uh. Our games."

"By which he means video and board games," Duo said, and with a tiny click noise tossed the lock at the back of Rabi's head, who caught it easily. "Rabi just makes everything he ever says sound dirty."

"You're getting rusty, Duo," Rabi sighed, shaking both his head and the lock at his brother. "What happened to the ten second lockpick I grew up with?"

"He specialized in electronic locks, not these old pieces of shit," Duo muttered, and swung the gate open, motioning them in like the world's grandest waiter. "I'll put this crap on your precious library door, then how will you feel?"

"Hmmm, I'd say I'd feel rather vengeful," Rabi said innocently, crossing his arms behind his back and giving Duo an innocent stare.

Muttering obscenities, Duo put the lock back on the gate through the bars and headed into the building with the other two boys.

"The second floor's pretty much taken up by me," Rabi grinned, continuing with his informative speech. "My bedroom's in the corner, and the rest of it is the library."

"Two times bigger than the one at school. You can barely walk without running into a bookshelf," Duo sighed, and then grinned at Naruto. "I live on the third floor. There's three rooms up there, not including the attic which is huge and dusty, and I have the room furthest from the fire escape because I'm terrified someone'd come visit Rabi at those weird hours he keeps and I'd stab them in my sleep."

Naruto's mind boggled. "You stab people in your sleep?"

"Duo grew up on the streets for the most part," Rabi explained, and they entered the kitchen. Well-maintained wood flooring creaked merrily beneath them as the redhead walked over to the counter and switched…something for…something else in the freezer. "You probably know it's kill or be killed out there. Pretty much everyone who gets inside this house knows that."

"The city's got too many children and too few orphanages," Duo added, shrugging and sitting down at the kitchen table, Naruto next to him. Violet eyes glanced over at him. "You look like you were one of the smart ones, right? Got in an orphanage and hung on for dear life?"

Naruto frowned. "It's not that bad," he defended. "I can take care of myself. I've been doing it fourteen years-"

"I was twelve when Duo picked me up," Rabi interrupted. "It was embarrassing. A nine year old beating up my bullies for me and then taking me home since I didn't have one." He grabbed something out of the pantry, and pulled out a huge silver pot. "I thought I'd been doing alright too, until that day." He turned to look Naruto in the eye. "I was so malnourished I ended up falling into the freezing mud before I could even swing at the kids. Duo saw me fall and saved the day."

"I just know them when I see them, is all," Duo shrugged. "Axel and Reno did it for me, took a scrawny, dirty street rat and cleaned him up and taught him to fight smart and be smart. Even gave me their last name and a place in their house and family."

Water went into the pot. "We're not trying to say you're incapable of making it on your own, Naruto," Rabi said, and put the pot to boil, adding a chunk of butter. "But it's a hell of a lot easier being a Maxwell than being alone."

"And you all pick locks and are dangerous and prank people?" Naruto asked warily, earning laughter from the other boys.

"Uh, guess you could say so, yeah," Rabi said, amused. "We'll teach you how to take care of yourself, all basic skills needed in the real world and that sort of stuff. According to Reno, that includes pickpocketing and lockpicking, and according to Axel it includes how to really beat the shit out of someone and make someone back off with just a smile."

"And really, they ARE pretty useful," Duo mused, earning a nod from Rabi.

"Pranks are just a fun way to get back at each other without blood being shed," Rabi added.

"No, pranks are fun, PERIOD," Duo frowned.

"Pranks are AWESOME," Naruto grinned. "Remember when someone spray painted all over town hall's gold dome with white and made alternating happy and angry and goofy faces on the panels?"

The other two made a contented, satisfied sound.

Naruto grinned. "That was me."

"No shit?!" Duo grinned, punching him in the shoulder. "DAMN! How'd you manage that, with the lights on there all night?"

"With the glare on the summer solstice, nobody can see a damn thing on that dome except a white glare," Naruto smirked. "Took me all day, but it took them weeks to get rid of it. And the spiral around the top's kind of my trademark, too. Get on a rope and swing around…it's awesome."

"Damn it, Duo, you DO know them when you see them," Rabi laughed, head thrown back before he got control of himself and threw Naruto a soda from the fridge. "Drink up, little bro. You'll need the fizz for when the other two come home."

"Oh, right!" Duo said. "Yeah, Axel's gonna try to scare the shit out of you more than likely. It's his favorite prank. And Reno…uh, I have no idea what he'll do to you. But they're great when you get to know them, promise."

"We are?" an amused voice called from down the hall, and Naruto and Rabi jumped. Duo just sighed, smacking a hand to his forehead.

"Damn it, Axel, heart attacks are not the way to greet a new addition to the family," he sniped down the hall.

"Says the kid that tried to shiv me and Reno when he woke up in an actual bed," Axel said, amused, and a swivel chair rolled onto the hardwood floor, wireless videogame controller still in his hand.

The guy was skinny, had bright green eyes like Rabi but…creepier, and painfully bright red hair set into spikes, pulled away from his forehead. Two upside-down tear tattoos lay underneath each eye. By far the strangest thing about him was that he was wearing skin-tight leather pants, weird patterned boots, a wife beater, and a long leather jacket that hung off his shoulders, unzipped.

Axel Maxwell was giving Naruto an identical assessing look as the one he was receiving. "This twerp's gonna be a Maxwell?"

"You're a good eavesdropper, Axel," Rabi grinned. "You know Little Bro's got at least one qualification down. Plus you have twice the amount of eyesight as me, not to mention _depth perception_, so you can tell what even I can about the kid."

Axel just looked at Naruto. Naruto wanted to run.

"Scars," he stated, and with a fast, ridiculously flexible motion the guy practically vaulted out of the chair, approaching the blond and pulling out the chair next to him, staring into his face. "The other guy come out worse?"

Naruto just glared at him, barely restraining the urge to stick out his tongue. The other Maxwells were deathly silent.

Axel's eyes glinted strangely, and he smirked. "Let me rephrase that – did you _want_ the other guy to come out of the fight worse? Pretty important for you to not be some wimpy bozo of a blond, is all, so tell me. If you could find the bastard that turned your life into the shit it is, would you take him down if you could?"

Naruto tried to glare, but his face was getting paler by the second.

"See, me and my twin, we used to have an older sister," Axel continued, waving his hand reproachfully. "Someone took her. Probably raped her, killed her, butchered her, buried the body somewhere. We loved Seras, so we hunted down that son of a bitch and killed him, hurt him very, very badly." He paused. "You have her eyes."

"Someone once took Duo from us," Rabi added, none of the humor from before in his voice. "Same thing happened, except Duo managed to kill the bastard as soon as we got in the building."

A snippet of conversation in detention that morning came back to him.

"…_you just don't cross Duo. Ever." _

"_What if you do?"_

"Then you disappear."

"I don't have anyone to blame for my shitty life other than me," Naruto said, voice dark. "So, what, would I kill myself? Would I find someone else to blame for it all? No." He stood up, glaring. "You're all fucked in the head, I swear."

"It's God's fault, then," Duo said quietly, not looking at anyone. "Would you kill God if it'd bring back…bring back everything you ever cared about and lost?"

"You're all INSANE," Naruto screamed, and jolted out of his chair, sending the wooden seat toppling to the floor as he back up. "There IS no God, there's nobody to blame for it but ME!"

"But if you realized there was," Axel snapped, standing and stalking towards him, eyes downright vicious. "If you realized someone had been planning every. Fucking. STEP of your life, including the one that got you those scars-" Naruto's eyes widened almost frantically. " - _would you kill them?_"

He could barely breathe by now. How did they know. How could they see inside of him like this, how could they see all that rage he tried so hard to bury, that bitter, jagged edge to his smile.

_**How could they see Kyuubi inside him?!**_

Without another thought, panic gripping him as bloody memories assaulted him, Naruto ran out the door, desperate to find the only person who had ever understood him and find out why these people could see into his soul so well.

The front door slammed behind him, and Naruto vaulted over the front gate as he ran at full tilt, determined not to stop until he found Gaara, his only friend in the world. The only one he trusted to understand.


	3. Maxwells Have Enough Issues Already

**Maxwell Family Values**

_---_

_3. Maxwells have enough issues that by now that the paperboy knows he'll get killed if he even steps on the property. (It's why we have the "Beware of Maxwells" sign on the front gate, after all.)_

_---_

"Well fuck," Axel smirked at his siblings. "He's in denial, but as soon as we get that out of him, bam, pure bona-fide Maxwell. If he's running like that, he must have one hell of a bloody streak in him."

When he turned around, he found that the other two siblings present were clearly Not Pleased with him.

"Go get him," Duo stated, arms crossed over his chest.

"Whaaat?!" Axel whined, shoulders slumping. "The kid ran out all on his own, Duo, got it memorized? Ain't my fault he hasn't faced his inner demons."

"It's your fault he had to face them before Reno even got here, though," Rabi said, scratching his chin absentmindedly. "That's usually a whole-family-blocks-all-the-doors-as-we-embrace-our-bitter-sadism event."

Axel grudgingly admitted he had a point. Four exits from the room and they'd only blocked three. Front door was usually Reno's, and back when it was only the twins and Duo, they hadn't installed the fire escape yet. And with Duo…well.

With Duo they hadn't had to do a damn thing but keep him from killing _them_. No demon-releasing required.

"…right. Fine," Axel said, and headed out the door, thinking _if I were a newly-almost-adopted orphan teenager with a hell of a mean streak and excellent survival skills, where would I go?_

Shyeah. Like that was a hard one in this city. Down one street, across an intersection, and the long-legged redhead was on his way to Twilight Sands.

---

Twilight Sands was originally a city poverty project, a self-contained and self-sustainable neighborhood that, with a little effort from the inhabitants, would give them a few blocks of happy neighborhood. No rent, only had to pay city utilities…a good idea, in theory.

_Note the in theory, kiddos_, Axel thought darkly as he approached Twilight Sands.

The central problem with the whole idea was that all the people had to contribute. The pimps and whores and streetrats and homeless that moved in were so used to the world outside that they had to leave to 'ply their trades', as it were.

And that just left the homeless and the streetrats, and anyone could guess the viciously cutthroat streetrats of the city had killed or run their competition out in a week or less. In the city, kids grew up hard and fast, or they didn't get a chance to. Twilight Sands' politics was a mess of gangs – thugs, thieves, and thorns, mostly – but they were smart enough to live under umbrellas. One was Twilight, the other Sands. The two leaders were well-known, if not legendary, for keeping the relative peace and strict, sometimes lethal, penalties against those who broke their truce.

…well, that and keeping just about everyone over the age of seventeen from knowing who was spearheading the groups. That certainly had both Reno and Axel's bosses panties in a twist. And while Reno seemed plenty happy to fix them for his, probably with tongue and teeth, Axel preferred to watch the pontificating bastard twitch.

The twins definitely had different definitions of 'office politics'. For Reno it seemed to involve the decision between a threesome or not. Axel preferred to stab people in the back and watch them twitch as they suspected anyone but him and his devout loyalty (which was, in fact, to nobody but himself and the Maxwells). Both twins were equally fucked in the head, sure, but in such fun and unique ways.

Shoving office machinations out of his head, Axel headed through one of the side alleys near Twilight Sands. Not their territory, probably a block away honestly, but it was always polite to knock first. And by knock he meant whistle an obnoxiously bouncy pop song loudly as he strode down the alley, hands conveniently stuffed into his coat's pockets as he walked down one of those alleys your mother warns you about, because people like Axel could be waiting for you.

As expected, a wiry tomcat of a kid dropped down from…somewhere. He guessed one of the broken windows above. The boy didn't seem happy to see him, and Axel reciprocated the sentiment as they watched each other.

"I'm looking for a kid," Axel stated. Not enough of a blushing innocence to be a Thorn, not enough brawn to be a Thug, so he had to be a Thief. Sand or Twilight he didn't know yet, but hey. Reciprocity and all that. Thieves seemed to be the most sensible of the lot, although he had to admit that Thorns had style. "Blond hair, blue eyes, short?"

It was new eyes looking at him. Wary eyes. Axel was guessing this was a pretty high-ranking Thief from that gaze alone. "That fits a lot of kids," he said, almost glib about it. Axel amended his high-ranking to VERY high ranking. You had to have a lot of power to show off that kind of sass.

"Then show me a lot of kids," Axel snapped, tossing a convenient roll of bills at the kid, who could see a hundred dollars without even counting it all. Very high ranking, and very very good. Interest piqued, Axel gave him a once-over. "What's your name, kid?"

It took a moment for the kid to answer, clearly not too keen on the 'kid' label, before he answered. "Hayner," he said, and sighed, like he'd just made a necessary but painful decision. Rabi did it every time he sold one of his precious books. "Come on then, man. I'll take you to the only blond with blue eyes who could possibly answer."

"Thanks, kid," Axel actually smiled at the Thief, who looked back at him.

"How old are you, old man?"

Everyone over five foot eight was considered old to a streetrat. "How old do I look?"

Hayner shrugged, twisting them…the other way? They were backtracking? But the kid was a bona fide high Thief and knew where he could get a hundred bucks freely he could get even more freely for a job well done. Thieves thrived on reciprocity when not out on a heist.

"Nineteen?"

Off by a couple years, but hey. "Must be a psychic along with a Thief!" Axel grinned.

"Must be a spy along with an assassin," Hayner countered smoothly, and when Axel's step didn't faulter, his did. "…I, uh-"

"Not gonna kill anyone tonight unless they start it, got it memorized?" Axel appealed. "Not even the idiot kid I'm looking for." He paused. "Or you."

"It's the coat, man," Hayner explained in a rush, pace speeding up. "I mean, we've all heard stories about the Organization, we watch our backs and shit when we see one of those coming anywhere near Twilight Sands, but you weren't causing any problems or anything so Rox- uh…"

Axel's lips quirked up. "Shutting up in general's the best way to keep from saying something that can get a guy killed."

Hayner just nodded. Axel assumed he was using the advice.

With a twist, the redhead blinked at the realization that Hayner had somehow gotten them into Twilight Sands' original neighborhood, the two of them scaling creaky fire escapes up to the roof of a building, where three kids stood waiting for them.

The boy on the left, probably the youngest of the bunch, was a smiling ball of pudgy muscle with iron knuckles on each hand. From the way he was looking at Axel, the redhead had to change his label of Thug to a Smart Thug, meaning this group was probably pretty high-ranking, with Hayner along with them.

The girl in the middle, who had cut off her conversation with Mr. Smart Thug, had Thorn written all over her conveniently-tattered-in-all-the-right-places clothing. Of course, that was worn over a sensible woven pair of shirts and pants. Her shoes were nice, too, meaning this was a Thorn with money, even with the Friendly Neighborhood Tax (aka the police bribes).

The boy on the right, though, he couldn't really tell anything about. The guy was facing away from them, a good bit of distance between him and the other two as he watched the sunset. Something in his shoulders told Axel this kid wasn't a kid, even by streetrat standards, and even though he was short, the redhead had to wonder how many years the guy had left in Twilight Sands before they kicked him out for mutual good.

Long khaki pants. A flurry of blond hair spiraled up from his head, and Axel couldn't help but notice that the guy had a…really nice neck. Like…nice.

He was making no sense in his head, so Axel tried to shut off that bit of himself still sizing up the streetrat (nice ass, skinny hips, just the right size to fit under his chin-) and turned towards Hayner, who had joined the Smart Thug and the Good Thorn. "So. Looking for a kid that goes by the name of Naruto. About yea high, blond hair, blue eyes, scars on his cheeks-"

"Naruto? Uzumaki Naruto?" The blond asked in a voice that had Axel suppressing a shiver for no apparent reason. When the guy turned around, he couldn't suppress it. Painfully blue eyes in a flawless, perfect, sonnet-inspiring face that was tempered to a smooth, malleable steel.

But those eyes weren't looking at him. They were looking over at Hayner reprovingly, who held up his hands as the blond put his own firmly on his hips, head tilting in a way that demanded an answer. "Hey, Roxas, he never told me the name, just said blond with blue eyes-"

Roxas. The name was like rolling an ice cube around in your mouth. He liked it.

"And you were too scared to take on a member of the Organization by yourself." And then the eyes, thank god, were on him. "Why are you looking for him?"

_Composure_, he thought to himself. _You're a motherfucking _assassin_, for Christ's sake. Just because a guy is hot doesn't…_

Zipper. It was begging to be yanked, to free the poor skin it covered-

FOCUS, dammit!

"Naruto Uzumaki's soon to be the new and improved Naruto Maxwell," Axel said lightly, hands stuffed in coat pockets as he instinctively began circling Roxas (_Roxas_. What a great name.), who did the same, step for step. "I'm just trying to bring the poor lost puppy home."

Roxas smirked at that, a little laugh coming from him. Axel wanted him to laugh more. Smile more. And at the same time he realized that he was getting way over his head with this kid.

"You're serious, aren't you." Arms crossed over his chest, a small smile. He was just so fucking _pretty_.

Axel gave him his most innocent look. "I'm just a worried older brother hoping my little brother hasn't fallen in with the wrong crowd." The look dropped almost completely as a smirk came on his own face. "It seems to be so easy nowadays."

"Which the Maxwells aren't even close to being," Roxas smiled knowingly, and Axel grinned at him. Damn, but what a smile. With that, the blond turned his head to the three other teens nearby. "Olette, see if you can fetch Naruto from the Sands without a fight. Pence, watch her back."

The Thorn – Olette – and the Thug – Pence – complied with nothing but a tiny nod, immediately zipping down the fire escape.

"So, how old are you?" Axel asked, and immediately wished he hadn't at the guarded look and the very dangerous curling of muscles he got in response. He held up his hands. "Hey, hey, take it easy. Just making small talk. My brother and I used to live near here, back in the day, so-"

"It's fine," he said instead, and sat down on the edge of the roof, facing Axel with a bittersweet smile. "I'm seventeen. The only reason I'm still around is I'm good."

"Well, hey. Pretty much the same everywhere in the city, if it's any consolation," Axel shrugged. "Cutthroat world, I tell you." He paused, smirking. "Got any idea what you want to be when you grow up?"

Roxas just glared at him, making Axel laugh. Fuck, this kid was going to be addictive, he could just tell.

"The three that were up here before, they take over until they get run out," Roxas said darkly. "Twilight's turning into a triumvirate."

"Pretty tongue twister," Axel grinned, trying to hide how damn impressive the blond was. Making a three-person committee to replace one man's control over half of Twilight Sands— "Wait wait wait, HOLD on."

Roxas smirked this time.

Axel gaped. "Are you shitting me?! I've been sitting pretty up here with the Tsukikage?!"

The blond grimaced. "Oh please. _Moon-shadow_. It's obnoxiously arrogant. Nobody's used that since Ishida Uryuu up and disappeared."

"We just call him Boss," Hayner spoke up, making Axel remember there was more than a walking moving target over there. And that he was behind by at least two years in the Twilight Sands hierarchy, since he knew Ishida had been picked up by the Quincy…

"Huh," Axel said, letting his blank numbness show on his face. "…You know, you always hear about these types of things and know the traditions and all that shit but damn if this isn't weird."

Roxas frowned at him, so Axel continued, his hands doing half the talking for him. "So, you probably already know this, but when a leader in Twilight Sands leaves, they don't just _disappear_ and shit, you know? Someone always comes bumbling along and meets them and offers them a job. I mean, happened with us twins. Just, uh, a bit differently." And by differently he meant they'd been posing as one person, and since Reno had been the one playing Kazekage he'd gotten the job.

Which really had turned out for the best, all things considered, but hey.

Roxas was giving him that 'are you high?' look.

"I think I'm supposed to invite you into the Organization," he blurted out. When Roxas moved to speak, however, Axel was already there, one gloved hand over his mouth. "Hear me out, okay? Fate likes to fuck with people like us and this is how it happened with my brother, I swear. This Turk walks in looking – ironically enough – for some blond kid with big blue eyes, nearly gets shot by my brother, and bam, job offer-"

Before Axel could get another word out, he found himself punched in the face and flung onto the roof, furious blue eyes glaring down at him.

"We do not touch the royal mouth, got it," Axel quipped from the floor, only for a foot to stomp down dangerously close to his groin. "…so no touchie in general then. Okay. Got it memorized."

Roxas made an amused noise and moved aside, letting Axel get to his feet again. "For a smart guy, you are very very stupid."

Axel smirked. "You have no idea." He paused, shaking the grime off his coat and out of his hair like a very demure mutt. "Job offer's even more solid now, though."

That earned him a small chuckle, but he was cut off by the arrival of people on the fire escape. First came Olette, then a well-muscled brunet with purple facepaint, and then a blonde girl with four bushy ponytails and a pair of sharp, cutting black eyes. Next came Naruto himself, glaring at just about everyone, followed by a redhead of just about the same age and then Pence.

"Roxas," the redhead said, greeting him as an equal. He nodded towards the arrivals that weren't part of the future Twilight Trirumvate. "Kankuro, Temari, and Naruto." The redhead paused, eyes locking onto Axel. "Naruto has been a strong and vital part of the Sand family as long as I have been Kazekage. I will not see him forced into anything he doesn't want."

And if them weren't fighting words, Axel didn't know what was. So, he gave the kid his best 'I'm-better-than-you-and-trying-to-be-polite' smile. "Axel Maxwell," he said, and paused. "Or Reno Maxwell. Either way, an ex-Kazekage, and that kid ran out on a bona fide Maxwell dinner invitation. We were hurt deeply, being the sensitive types we are."

"Hold on, you're Axel AND Reno? And an ex-Kazekage?!" Naruto began, only for the blond girl – Temari – to grab him by the back of his collar and back behind the redhead.

"Twins," Axel shrugged, grinning like an idiot at the youngest Maxwell – yeah, fine, he'd admitted it, Naruto was definitely a Maxwell if a fucking _Kazekage_ would call him part of the Sand family. He let his face drop to what Larxene called his 'Fuck You I Am A Motherfucking Organization Member And Will Not Mind Killing You' face. Axel preferred to call it his 'negotiator' face, as it seemed to work pretty damn well for that. "I want my littlest brother back. Now."

Naruto was giving him a weird look. "…Gaara, I think I'm officially a Maxwell now, according to them."

"Three fourths, at least," Axel smirked. "But we're mostly a democratic family, so even with a three to one vote you're in."

Gaara, however, seemed to not listen to a word Axel said. In fact, the bastard turned his back on him to look Naruto in the eyes. "You know what we are, Naruto. Will they accept that?"

"That's _why_ he's a Maxwell," Axel said, softer than he'd meant to.

"…Gaara, I know Naruto's one of yours, but I think you have to let him go, and let him make his own decisions," Roxas said from behind Axel. God, the kid was fantastic.

And Axel mentally cursed as he realized that, just like every other Maxwell, he'd finally found The Boyfriend. And the kid was three years younger than him.

In regards to Roxas, if the Maxwell mating trend continued (and it seemed to be doing so), Axel was officially fucked. They took monogamy to a whole other emotional plane while not giving a crap about physical. He'd seen what Kanda had done to Rabi a year ago, and like hell was he going to-

"He cares about Naruto too," Roxas continued. "Don't you, Axel?"

"You betcha," he said immediately, grinning back at Roxas.

…_Fuck_.

Ahem. "Naruto, I know we probably got off on the wrong foot, but, well, Maxwells are…special," he continued cautiously. "That's why we stick together. That unique Maxwell quality is what makes us family."

Family. The word was the immediate trigger, he could tell, because Naruto wanted one. Just like they'd all wanted one.

The newest Maxwell took a step towards him, and then another.

"…you won't be…scared of me?" Naruto asked hesitantly.

Luckily Axel didn't laugh. He grinned, but didn't laugh, and shook his head. "I promise, none of us will hate you, or fear you. You're a Maxell, Naruto. I told you. That makes us family, unconditionally."

Naruto smiled, and Axel held out a hand. "C'mon. You've got your brothers worried sick, and dinner's getting cold."

It didn't take much more prompting than that. Their hands clenched up into a fist, elbows bent as the brothers grinned at each other. With his spare hand, Axel ruffled his brother's hair. "You can still be a member of the Sand family too, silly. Go give Grumpy over there a hug."

That got a good, strong guffaw out of the blond, hands dropping. "Hug Gaara?! I think freaking out at him was too much emotional pressure for him to take in one night."

"True. Very true," Axel said, and winked at the Kazekage. Gaara stared at him in surprise. It was kind of creepy, so Axel decided to do it as much as possible.

He turned towards Roxas, knowing he already had a sappy smile on his face as he shoved a hand in his pocket, brow furrowing as he felt around in it until he proudly grabbed an almost crown-shaped card, the Organization's symbol on it…and his name and cell phone number on the back. Still grinning, he flicked the heavy paper at Roxas, who caught it easily between his fingers. Damn, but those were some fantastic fingers with those two bandages AND YEAH.

"Think about it, and give me a call," he said, voice probably an octave higher than usual. Of course, Roxas noticed. He noticed _everything_, apparently.

And damn it, that should NOT be hot.

"C'mon then, 'Ruto," Axel called, walking straight through both the Twilights and the Sands and to the fire escape. "Don't want you to fall into the wrong crowd or anything around here!"

Naruto frowned at him, but followed. "_Ruto_?"

Axel smirked at him. "Reno, Axel, Rabi, Duo, RUTO. It fits. Get used to it, baby bro," he said, and slid on down the metal, grinning all the while.

With a roll of the eyes and a mutter of "Freak", Naruto Maxwell followed.


	4. Above Everything, Maxwells Are Family

**Maxwell Family Values**

_---_

_4. It doesn't matter what the problem is. If a Maxwell needs you, you jump through hoops, you walk through fire, you steal the French ambassador's motorcade, you drop everything and fucking get there and do whatever the hell you can for them. Whatever we may be, we're a family, above anything and everything else._

_---_

Reno was bored, armed, and the pasta was getting cold without him.

A deadly combination.

"Yo, I got stuff to do at home," he shouted at his partner Rude from the opposite rooftop. "Don't you think we could finish this up later?"

He didn't need to see the black man's eyes to see the put-upon crease in them. After all, he was always wearing those damn sunglasses anyway. There was a fizz in his ear, and Reno just smirked as Rude spoke into the hidden microphone in his sleeve.

"We're on surveillance, Reno," he said coolly. "That means silence is kind of important."

"Hey, I told you earlier today that we've got an official Maxwell dinner, it's not like this is spontaneous or something, you know," Reno snapped. "I have to be there for this kind of shit! If I'm getting another little heathen in the family, I want to meet the son of a bitch before inviting him into my house."

Most Turks didn't mention family. Most didn't have one, like Rude. No last names were ever used, no old stories about pre-Turk life, no nothing. Rude was an unofficial Maxwell uncle, sure, but that was the only connection he had, aside from being the partner and best friend (and yeah, occasional fuckbuddy, let's face it, the guy was hot) of Reno. The Maxwell family was a haven for the unconnected, and every single Turk had shown up at least once for dinner.

Plus Rabi was one hell of a cook, and Reno wanted his damn pasta.

"Rufus won't like it," Rude said into the mike, and Reno glared at him.

"Fuck, you hit so below the belt my toes are missing, you bastard," Reno grumbled. Of course. Bring up one of the infamous Maxwell Boyfriends. The fact he happened to be Reno's boss didn't have anything to do with it either – and anyone who thought it did was usually thoroughly educated on the subject by his beloved electrically charged rod, which was currently tapping against his thigh. "Look, we both know the bastard's not going to show, and even if he did you could take him out all by yourself."

Fact. No flattery. Turks were picked up for three qualities: a lack of morality, the capability of doing anything from coffee-fetching to face-to-face murder, and the ability to stand alone. If you didn't make it through your first mission, you weren't a Turk anyway.

"…You know I'll have to report this to Rufus and Tseng," Rude grumbled.

Reno smirked. "Not if you wait 'till I show up at five in the morning, right here, and we show at ShinRa together after a long night of surveillance."

Being extremely devious and ruthless was also unofficially on the list of Turk-necessary qualifications. There was no hesitancy in the nod Rude gave him.

"If anyone shows looking for me, tell 'em I went for a coffee break," Reno winked. Especially since Reno's 'coffee breaks' usually involved drinking himself silly and getting into an all-out bar brawl.

"Just get out of here," Rude said, and received a mocking salute.

"Later, partner."

"Later."

And Reno deftly swung himself from his rooftop perch onto the fire escape, sliding down easily as he headed home at a dead sprint – something he could keep up for a damn long time. Hell, any Maxwell could, let alone a Turk.

The weird thing, though, was meeting Axel chatting up a sulky, glaring blond kid as they walked towards the Maxwell household.

"Yo, Axel," he saluted his twin, who smirked.

"Got red on you," he said in that sing-songy way that he knew pissed Reno off, but he was too busy checking for the red.

"Really? Aw, shit, Duo's gonna knife me to a wall…" he paused, blinking at the blond. "You the newest addition?"

"Reno Maxwell, meet Naruto Maxwell," Axel said, sweeping his arms dramatically and pushing the blond towards the eldest (by about eight minutes…) Maxwell.

"What the hell is with everyone pushing me?" Naruto sighed as Reno sized him up. Yep, just like Duo had said.

He grinned devilishly at the kid. "It's because we're all sadistic bastards who get our jollies off abusing little children."

"Oi, oi, Reno!" Axel said, looking scandalized. "Lay off 'Ruto! He's already a Maxwell, no need to get punched in the face."

Reno blinked up at his twin. "He seriously that fast?"

"You want to try me?" Naruto growled, already sick and tired of all the pushing and judging.

"Ooooh, feisty," Reno smirked. "Can we keep him?"

"Yeah, see, that was kind of the idea," Axel drawled, and shoved Reno towards the house. "Duo and Rabi were about ready to skewer me when I freaked 'Ruto out and he went running off to Twilight Sands." He took a moment to smirk at his twin. "Kazekage himself wanted to keep him all to himself until I got Rox- uh, the Tsukikage to negotiate the return of a Maxwell to a Maxwell."

Reno whistled, looking down at the blond. "Sand family itself? Damn, no wonder Duo picked you out as a Maxwell."

"Speaking of Duo…" a familiar voice called from the shadows, and out came a frowning Duo Maxwell, arms crossed over his chest and eyes glaring at the redheaded twins. "I hear Duo's about to get angry for keeping Rabi stuck at the stove for an hour while waiting for you three."

"The sweet pleasures of domesticity," Reno rolled his eyes. "Duo, I just got off work. Rufus is going to fucking kill me for bailing mid-op already, I don't need a non-vital organ stabbed out right now."

"Then do your own damn laundry, if you even remember how," Duo grumbled as they turned a corner, and bam, the house of Maxwell's front gate stood in front of them. Within two seconds, the digital lock clicked and the gate swung open.

At Naruto's stare, Duo shrugged. "The code changes every two hours. We just hack it ourselves to get in."

"And please note that Duo is the only one who can do it like that," Reno grumbled. "Takes me three fucking minutes to even get through the gate."

Naruto's blue eyes widened, and he turned towards Axel, who just shrugged. "I don't even bother. I just jump over the damn thing."

He jumped. He jumped over a pokey, eight-foot-tall iron fence. Naruto just shook his head. "Are all Maxwells insanely good at being bad?"

"You betcha!" Duo said happily, leading the family inside and slamming the gate behind them. "Don't worry, we'll teach you plenty about being a Maxwell. I'm assuming the twins walking you in means 100 acceptance, though…?"

"Hell yeah!" Reno grinned. "The little firecracker's stuck for good if he sticks for dinner."

"Oh, right, that reminds me," Duo said, scratching the back of his head. "Rabi said he's got the mallets ready for you two, and said for me to have The Talk with Naruto."

Axel frowned. "But-"

"ME, Thing Two," Duo snapped. "As his official first sponsor-"

"You're the only first sponsor, what the hell," Reno grumbled, but Duo just plowed right over him.

"- I need to explain what a fully sponsored sit-down Maxwell dinner would bind him to," Duo said.

The twins stared at him.

"You sound like a fucking encyclopedia," Reno said simply, and headed inside, hands raised as he went through. Naruto winced at the ominous BANG that he could hear thirty feet from the front door as something hit something else really, really hard.

"…hey, 'Ruto, just remember we'd like to see you around even if you walk away, alright?" Axel said a bit hesitantly, and ruffled Naruto's hair.

"Stop doing that!" Naruto snapped, only to make Axel grin widely and give him a short wave before carefully ducking through the front door, a THUD and an "OW FUCK" tearing back towards the blond before the door even shut.

Duo, however, seemed completely disinterested in the beatings commencing inside the house. "Alright, I'll just tell you it straight out," he said, flinging his braid back behind his body as he crossed his arms over his chest. "If you stay after dinner, you are one hundred percent, bona fide Maxwell. We officially adopt you, train you a bit, and you are forever part of our big fucked up family. If you stand up, say 'hey, thanks for the meal', and leave, you're not. Well, okay, you don't have to say thanks for the meal, but Rabi'd kill you if you didn't say you liked it after all this trouble. You follow me?"

Naruto nodded hesitantly. "So…if I stay, I'm a Maxwell."

"Yup," Duo grinned. "I made up a bed just in case too, which I know is kinda presumptuous but it's better to be safe than sorry you know-"

"I'm staying."

Duo blinked at him. "…huh?"

Naruto grinned, eyes wide and happy. "I'm staying. I'm staying even if the pasta sucks and someone ends up with a knife in their throat before the meal ends. I'm staying even if someone lights the house on fire or I get shot in the foot or or ANYTHING." He laughed. "I'm a Maxwell, Duo! I found people that…that are like me, do you know how freaky and awesome that is?!"

Duo was absolutely still, staring at the blond.

"…Duo?" Naruto asked hesitantly, slightly freaked out by realizing how purple the brunet's hair was when he was concentrating. "Hey, Duo, you okay-"

He didn't have time to react. One moment he was standing on the strangely pristine path in the Maxwells' trimmed gardens that led to the house, and the next all he could see and smell was leather jacket as he was crushed in an almost violent hug from Duo.

"You are such a fucking Maxwell," Duo chuckled, and dodged Naruto's punch to the chin with a chuckle, releasing him. "Come on, youngest! Onward, to the pasta! Which, by the way, will be awesome. Even Rabi's gruel tastes awesome."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Gruel never tastes good."

"Well, prepare to have your worldview shaken then," Duo sniped, ushering Naruto inside.

Rabi Maxwell was standing in the foyer, a metal mallet twirling about one of his hands as he glared at the two redheaded forms clutching ice to their heads.

"Oh good," he said, voice scary and completely chipper. "We can FINALLY get dinner on the table."

Duo just snickered, helping the twins to their feet and into chairs while Rabi…did…stuff in the kitchen. The bouncing brunet wonder pulled a chair out for Naruto, and then himself, and one for Rabi right as a plate of spaghetti and marinara was nearly slammed onto the table. Dishes and silverware was already set on the table, and Naruto blinked as the serving utensils were put in his hand by a smiling (and not in a vicious-killing-with-a-steel-mallet way) Rabi. "Go for it, lil' bro."

Naruto grinned.

He did.

---

Naruto Uzumaki was withdrawn from South City High the next day, much to Iruka Umino's befuddlement and secret disappointment. He was also officially adopted by a Seras Maxwell, 26, female, who had already adopted two other orphans from the city and had yet to update a single legal document since being 17, legal name changing to Naruto Maxwell.

Iruka's questions fell on a mostly-deaf ear when he took the only other Maxwell he had any power over – Duo – aside for a brief inquiry. The kid had been looking a little worn around the edges anyway, he'd have done it even if there hadn't been a sudden record change the second day of school.

"Naaaaaah, I'm fine. Just…family stuff keeping me up," Duo had yawned at him a week into the school year, half-asleep on Heero Yuy (who was entirely asleep) while the rest of the class finished the essays these two had turned in twenty minutes ago. He'd suspect them of cheating if they'd had time to do it. "New baby brother taking his first steps into being a Maxwell and all…" He yawned, and once again was out like a light, curled against the same young man clutching his braid like a cherished teddy bear.

An infamous Maxwell Boyfriend. Of those, he had two in school.

Yuu Kanda was harder to have a chat with during school, especially since he had little to no respect for authority figures and seemed to turn bright red and start breaking things at the mention of Rabi Maxwell. Iruka managed to keep that in check by suggesting that he could get Rabi's daily schedule out of Duo.

It took him three days to even manage that. All he got about Naruto, however, was that the blond was officially a Maxwell "in all but body and psycho-emotional bullshit", whatever that meant. When he'd asked for elaboration, the young man had blushed scarlet all the way from his black turtleneck to the inky black hair tied in a high ponytail like a modern samurai. Mr. Kanda had immediately stuck his hand out and demanded the schedule.

Wisely, Iruka Umino had backed off, even if Allen Walker did manage to stumble in for the conversation and laugh himself unconscious due to lack of oxygen. It gave Iruka a useful excuse to retreat.

At the two week mark, Duo had left his own group of friends (a motley bunch including Quatre Winner, Trowa Barton, Wufei Chang, and of course Heero Yuy) all on his own and confronted Iruka at lunch.

"I get that you're worried for him," Duo had said, seated comfortably in the teacher's office chair when Iruka had opened the door. After Iruka recovered from the heart attack, Duo continued. "He appreciates it. And Naruto Maxwell will be back in South City in no time, he just needs some time to adjust to things."

Iruka had tried to glare, but was still a bit freaked out at the kid being in his previously locked office before he opened the door. "You can guarantee that?"

He'd shrugged, pulling his feet off the desk and walking for the door. "As much as anyone can, yes." Duo paused. "He's a Maxwell now, Iruka. We're just making sure he can stay alive while being one."

---

"Again, 'Ruto," Axel sighed, green eyes almost iridescent in the light of the basement as he stepped in. "I saw you as soon as I walked through the damn door. Either throw something at me while I'm light-blinded or hide better."

"How the hell can you see me?! Naruto shouted, moving out of his extremely good hiding place…and Axel shot him with a paintball gun, smirking. "…What The Hell."

Axel just shrugged. "I knew you were down here. Didn't need to know more than that for you to come out and let me shoot you."

Naruto glared. "You are such a cheater."

"Noooo, I'm teaching you tactics!" Axel grinned, eyeing Naruto's paint-splattered shirt. He blinked. "Seriously, is that all from today?" Each day he'd changed colors, and with that amount of green…man, Naruto really had to be slacking. Axel flicked on the lights.

Naruto actually blushed at that. "Uh, last night was kind of, um…distracting."

Axel paused. He pondered. And then he laughed his ass off. "Oh my god, they kept you up all night didn't they?!"

The blush deepened. "I put fucking oven mitts over my ears with DUCT TAPE and I could still hear them!"

He would find, however, that there was no sympathy to be found with Axel. When he finally stopped laughing, he shook his head. "Forgot you're probably not used to people fucking like rabbits in the middle of the night. You're on the same floor as Duo, right?" Naruto nodded. "See, I moved down here to avoid Reno's 'nighttime fun', among other things. I say you take the attic and I keep the basement. The walls aren't the most insulated things in the world, but the floors are pretty damn good at keeping the noise out."

Naruto frowned. "But there's nothing up there."

Axel had just grinned. "YET."

And thus, Naruto had yet another task appointed to him.

---

Dastardly Tactics was Axel's job. Since his job had no set timeframe (sometimes the other Maxwells even wondered if he had a job, but then again he'd occasionally disappear for a few days and always got a paycheck), neither did Naruto's little sessions with Axel. Occasionally this would result in what Axel called 'surprise tactics' and Naruto called 'scaring the shit out of me and trying to punch Axel for it'. But mostly Dastardly Tactics involved shadow-lurking, the basics of manipulation, and, despite Naruto's reluctance to admit it, the art of surprise attacks and how to achieve maximum results using them.

Dastardly Tactics was an incredibly easy class compared to the others. Reno's, for example, usually involved Naruto running across rooftops and getting into bar brawls. City Survival, he called it. Getting The Shit Kicked Out Of Me, Naruto grumbled it should be named, although he didn't mind the part where he learned how to kick the shit out of other people. The only bad part about it was that City Survival usually took place in the wee hours of the morning and had more than once been interrupted by a pissed-off blond man decked out in a pure white suit with a trained black panther at his side showing up in their yard at an area, he learned, that was already designated for Pissed Off Helicopter Landings. The man, Naruto learned, was Rufus Shinra, president and CEO of ShinRa Power and Industries, INC, and more importantly (apparently; Naruto had no idea why, really…) a Maxwell Boyfriend.

Which amounted to City Survival being dropped for whatever business they had together, be it 'private time' in Reno's area of the house or Reno getting snapped at and basically told to get in the helicopter before Rufus shot him.

"Ah, true love," Rabi had sighed once at these 'get in the fucking helicopter, Reno' instances. That had earned him a warning shot from Rufus' shotgun straight into the wall next to his ear, which in turn got Rabi's tongue stuck out at the older man.

Rabi's class was quite aptly called Whatever Rabi Wants Dammit. It was usually explaining the history of Maxwells – starting with the biological (as far as they knew) Maxwell family, consisting of Big Sister Seras (practically the Virgin Mary to Maxwells) and the much younger twins of Reno and Axel. Seras had been taken from the orphanage, the twins had gone searching for her and ended up in Twilight Sands, become Kazekage while posing as one person. At the same time, Rabi had been in East City Elementary and scrounging the streets for food and only Duo knew where he'd been and Duo didn't seem too keen on talking about it any time soon. When the twins left their position as Kazekage (via Reno getting an offer from the Turk division of ShinRa, and almost immediately later Axel getting one from what was only called "The Organization") they found Duo dying of frostbite in an alley, took him home, nearly died when he woke up and they realized he had a knife on him, and then adopted him. They bought the House of Maxwell. Duo picked up Rabi from his middle school, Rabi became a Maxwell, time went on, and bam, Naruto cane into the scene.

Rabi didn't technically have a job. He did, however, rake in more money than the twins combined if he had a good week. All those books of his apparently were more important and dangerous than Naruto had thought, which was one of the reasons Rabi would give him a big book full of nothing but information about adhesive explosives or whatever, lock him in the Libraroom until he could pass an oral quiz about it, and then sent off to whatever his next Maxwell Academy class was.

No books ever left the Libraroom. That was something he learned in his very first lesson from Duo, which he just called Mischief 101. First lesson, get a book out of the Libraroom. It turned out there was a security device in every single book's cover that would shriek the moment he left the room, even if he tried the window or (in an act of desperation) breaking through the floor. Duo had given him points for the floor attempt, too. Rabi, however, had knocked him silly with that stupid fucking hammer of his.

Another rule in the Maxwell family: Thou Shalt Fear The Hammer And Its Swift Bash Of Justice.

Mischief 101 was actually one of his most instructive classes. Pickpocketry, knife-throwing, sneaking (which included a lot of what he learned in Dastardly Tactics), and hand-to-hand defense was included in it.

But really, fighting was a terrifying group effort. Duo seemed to specialize in the silent kill, which was not-so-subtle Maxwellian for assassination. Rabi was Fucking Shit Up, usually involving making as much of a mess as he could, throwing anything and everything that could be a weapon in a rather effective form of combat. Axel was what the others called a 'specialist', who had thrown Naruto through a few physical tests before buying him a bunch of knives called kunai and teaching him how to use them. Reno, however…Reno was very, very good at just plain Killing You, and did his best to show Naruto the quickest ways to get out of an inevitable fight, even if it was slitting a guy in the calf and then the throat and running away – which, thankfully, was practiced with spoons from the silverware drawer.

In what little spare time he had, he went shopping with the Maxwells, usually at least two of them; they seemed almost giddy to spend time with the youngest family member, and Naruto was almost embarrassed at how happy he was in turn. But in the month spent at Maxwell Academy, he refurbished the attic into a unique, rather Japanese-feeling dwelling with just about every bit of furniture he'd let them buy him in there.

("Why the hell would I need a curio?!"

"But 'Ruto, it's shiny! And you can always find a use for it later."

"I AM NOT PUTTING A CURIO IN THE ATTIC."

"Axel's got a point, little bro, you will ALWAYS find a use for extra storage."

"Yeah, like that bookshelf in my room I got from Rabi-"

"Reno I gave you that so you would get BOOKS-"

"NO. CURIO.")

He had also bought himself a stereo and enough CDs that even Reno was questioning the use of funds (and the man would splurge on things at random – he still had 300 red M&Ms with 'FU' custom-stamped on them), but when Naruto bought the karaoke machine for the game room, nobody seemed to find a problem with it.

Naruto Uzumaki had lived.

Naruto Maxwell was LIVING, hard and fast. Every day was full of adrenaline and a bizarre bond with his brothers. Unlike Naruto Uzumaki, Naruto Maxwell wasn't just living, he felt truly alive.

Naruto Maxwell enrolled in South City High School a month and a half after the school year had begun.


	5. Maxwells Stand Alone, Back Watched

**Maxwell Family Values**

_---_

_5. Get back on your feet. We'll guard your back, but you stand up on your own._

_---_

The ride back on the subway from Sharp Street Station to South City was a bit disorienting, only Duo's chattering keeping him from wondering if he'd dreamed being a Maxwell. Rabi had decided to come along for the hell of it, but was absolutely no help, just sitting with one of his Libraroom books (when Naruto asked how the hell he'd gotten it out, Rabi had just pointed to one of his bangles and turned the page).

"Relax, Naruto," Duo groaned, spinning around one of the poles and looking for the world like a bored five year old. "It's a school. You've been to those before. Trust me, they're all the same."

"Except for Ouran," Rabi said, turning a page with a smirk.

"Ohhhhhhhh yeah," Duo grinned. "Can't forget Ouran. Very special bunch, there."

"Hear they're holding some sort of dance at South City in a couple weeks," Rabi added.

"Hmm," Duo frowned, his twirling stopping abruptly. "Think I could get Heero into a dress?"

"I think you'd look damn good in a skirt," Rabi grinned. Another page turned. "Let your hair down, a bit of makeup, oh yeah. One hell of a hot she-male."

Naruto just groaned, slapping a hand over his face and wishing the world would just go away.

"That means embarrass Duo and stop freaking out," Rabi said, eye finally shifting from the book to Naruto, chin propped on the back of his hand. "I seriously don't think I've ever seen you this worked up. What's crawled into your pants?"

"I, uh…" Naruto began, and gulped down the lump in his throat. "I'm not the…smartest person, you know. And my first day-"

"That was some kid named Uzumaki," Duo said, frowning. "YOU have never been to this school, brother mine. That Uzumaki kid might have been a lot like you, maybe looked like you, sure, but you're Naruto Maxwell." He paused. "And even Rabi says you can be smart when you're interested in the subject."

"And I don't ever call Reno smart, but that's because he's a moron when he isn't at work," Rabi grumbled.

"Yeah, I think they were conjoined twins at birth and they just gave Axel the brain," Duo grinned.

"Ha! Maybe Reno got those missing bits of Axel's spine, too," Naruto laughed as the train screeched to a stop. "NOBODY is that flexible naturally."

People got on, Rabi and Duo walked off with Naruto and most of the younger crowd. "Just never play twister with that bastard," Duo shook his head. "It's like he's a cat, I swear. Waaaaaay too bendy."

"He'll make someone a very happy husband some day," Rabi grinned.

Ah, yes. The other Maxwell trait, the one Naruto just had to suck up and accept.

'Naruto, you will more than likely be gay,' Rabi had said. 'You seem more bisexual, like Axel and me, but I warn you right now. The Maxwell Boyfriends are all just that – BOYS. When that dastardly hitch hits you, there's about a ninety percent chance it'll be with a guy. So suck it up and fuck them.'

"Ohhhhhhhhh, so is THAT why you're coming to school?" Naruto grinned at Rabi, who frowned at him. "Your Boyfriend?" Always a capital B to a Maxwell Boyfriend. He'd learned that when both Rufus and Heero had been there for breakfast. Both had immediately jumped up and been about ready to kill him until they were informed he was a fully-fledged Maxwell, at which point the two couldn't have cared less and Rufus asked politely for another piece of French toast.

"Naaaaaaah, Yuu'd just kick me in the face if I showed up during school," Rabi sighed, rubbing the back of his head and looking put-upon. "I'm backup in case you try to run. And speaking of which, good job."

"Wha…?" Naruto frowned, only to gape as he realized that they were already through the high school's doors, Rabi leaning against a wall, book open once more as he grinned.

"Welcome back to higher learning, Lil' Bro!" Rabi said cheerily. "Duo, you alright on your own?"

"Awww, but Rabi, don't you know?" Duo frowned. "I'm never alone - I keep you here in my heart, which is why it makes that obnoxious thumping sound since it's you with that Mallet of Doom."

They ushered him over to the main office, where a scowling Iruka Umino was waiting for them. "Naruto - " he began, only to be cut off by Duo.

"Yeah! Naruto Maxwell, meet Iruka! Best damn teacher you'll ever meet," Duo grinned as Rabi vanished out the door with a wave to the reddening teacher. "Iruka, meet the youngest Maxwell. He's a good kid, so treat him right, okay?"

"What – I – of course I'll treat him right!" Iruka snapped, slightly flustered at the circumstances of being reintroduced to a student. That, and being complimented by a Maxwell of all things. The apocalypse was clearly approaching.

"Hey, Iruka," Naruto grinned, rubbing the back of his head and holding back a blush. "Nice to, uh, meet you?"

"Damn straight it is," Duo sniffed imperiously into the air. He turned to look at Iruka. "Mind if I help out on the tour until first period? I think he's kinda jumpy today."

Iruka swallowed the lump in his own throat. A jumpy Maxwell usually meant lots of property damage and even more paperwork, in his experience.

"And I know you don't have a cell yet, and Rabi's working on getting you one, promise, but for a couple days it'll just be me sticking by you and telling you whatever's going on, alright? Don't worry, you'll love being back," Duo grinned, and they stepped into the huge commons that most of the school surrounded, a large fountain in the middle of it which was spurting up half-heartedly. Purple eyes glanced back at Iruka. "He's in your careful, caring hands, Iruka."

"I'm so confused," Iruka muttered, but Duo was already bounding off to underneath one of the staircases, where he pounced on four boys that looked rather long-suffering about it, really. Of course, Heero looked a bit happier, but he was also half asleep.

"Hey hey Iruka what happens next?!" Naruto grinned. "I've got normal classes now, right?"

"Actually your schedule's about the same," Iruka said dryly. "Because of someone giving you the PSAT a year early we had to move you back up in history and math."

Naruto glared at nothing in particular. "Maaan, I shoulda known there was something messed up about that stupid test. Rabi was being all orderly about it and shit-"

"LANGUAGE!" Iruka snapped.

"-SHIT, okay! I forgot how scary you are!" Naruto yelped. Iruka decided to ignore the way the blond's hand had immediately reached for the side pocket on his cargo pants, knowing damn well what any startled Maxwell would be reaching for.

Iruka cleared his throat again, giving Naruto a cut-off glare as he handed him a sheet of paper from the folder he was holding. "That's your schedule. Do you really want a tour, or would you rather I just tell you that if you set a single toe out of line I'll throw you in detention and let you wander off?"

Naruto paused, blinking, as his head tilted to the side. "But…haven't you already done the second one just by saying that?"

"Stop being smart," Iruka grumbled. "I expect you in class on time, Maxwell."

Naruto grinned. He hesitated for a moment, and then Iruka blinked down at his armful of Naruto.

"You're great, Iruka," he said quickly, and with a grin was already sprinting through the commons, Iruka's sheepish smile following him all the way to the quick twist into another hall. Conversations flooded around him, passing through one ear and out the other.

"- I swear he's an alien!! HIS SKIN IS GREEN!"

"Come off it already, Zim's been with us since elementary school - "

"B-but Wolfram I don't think we're READY -"

"WE'RE ENGAGED AND HAVE A DAUGHTER, YUURI! ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME?!"

"Kyon, hurry UP! This Dib guy says there's an ALIEN! In OUR school! How can you be thinking of a math test at a time like this?!"

"…Haaah…"

It was ridiculously refreshing, such a rush of people not trying to kill him or teach him how to kill people. Snickering to himself at how strange his life was and how he hadn't even noticed, Naruto twisted into an emptier hallway…only to smash his skull into someone else's.

"FUCK," Naruto shouted out, grabbing his forehead and wincing again when he noticed there was actually blood on his hand. He glanced from his hand to the person he'd run into…and growled. "It's you."

Dark eyes, dark hair, a pretty pretty face that clearly wanted to kill him in his sleep. Or right now, really. "You should have left for good, idiot." What was the bastard's name? Gah, he could barely remember. It was at least satisfying to see the bastard was bleeding as badly as he was.

"Really? I think you should go back to your prissy rich-boy school," Naruto snapped, slinging his backpack off and, while tempted to go for those lovely kunai Rabi had gotten for him, grabbed a Kleenex instead, wiping the blood off his forehead an not even looking at the bastard who had made him bleed in the first time. "You're not worth my time, bastard."

He walked away, glaring at the floor and wishing he felt superior. They'd all said that walking away from a fight first tended to make you the winner, but…man, he really just wanted to punch that bastard.

The bloody Kleenex was tossed in a trash can, and he rounded yet another corner to see a strangely familiar-looking kid blinking at him. Naruto knew he'd never seen him before though, because honestly? Brown hair that spikey would be pretty damn hard to forget.

Spike was flanked by two kids, also staring at Naruto. One was taller, probably older, with ridiculous silvery hair hanging in his eyes, while the other was a pretty girl with dark red hair.

"Um, you're kind of gushing blood from a gaping wound on your forehead," Spike said.

Naruto just frowned. "Have I seen you before? You look really familiar." He paused, the flash of a face coming to mind. "…have you dyed your hair recently?"

While Silver over there snorted, the girl giggled, reaching for his wrist. "I think maybe we should check you out for a concussion…"

It took him a while to figure out she was waiting for a name. "Oh! Yeah, hi, I'm Naruto. Naruto Maxwell."

"It's nice to meet you, Naruto," she said, leading him along. He was getting kind of pissed off about how soothing she was trying to be. Seriously, how bad a wound could he have gotten from a head butt? "My name is Kairi, the guy with silver hair is Riku, and the boy staring at you strangely is Sora."

"Huh," Naruto frowned, still trying to figure out why he felt like he'd seen this Sora guy somewhere before. He twisted toward where the boys were walking carefully behind Kairi and Naruto. "Hey Sora, do you have a brother or something? Or, I dunno, like…an identical cousin?"

All three of them stopped, and Naruto found himself nearly thrown towards Sora via Kairi's ever-so-firm-and-caring death grip on his wrist. Sora took up where she'd let off, gripping him by the shoulders, his big blue eyes doing one hell of a puppydog expression. "Roxas?! You've seen him?!"

"ROXAS!" Naruto said, snapping his fingers as the name and the face finally clicked together. Tsukikage, Gaara's co-boss of Twilight Sands. "Yep. Roxas. Is he your cousin or brother or what?"

"He's my twin!" Sora said, looking close to tears. "Where did you see him?! I…we haven't seen each other since the orphanage got shut down!"

"Did you see Namine?" Kairi asked, eager, and Riku was staring at Naruto like he was Jesus. It was creepy. "Looks a lot like me, blonde hair, likes to draw, almost always has…well, had an art pad with her?"

"Uh, sorry, no," Naruto said, actually feeling sorry for the girl. She looked crushed. "Another twin?"

"Kairi's half-sister and Sora's cousin," Riku said, sounding ridiculously tired. "Where was Roxas? If he went somewhere, it's likely he's taking care of Namine."

"Uh, I don't think I should tell you," Naruto said.

And boy did that ever earn him some very pissed off and overprotective glaring.

"I have a gaping bleeding wound on my forehead!" Naruto protested.

"It's just a scratch, you pansy," Kairi snapped. Naruto blinked at the turn-around. "Where are they?!"

"…Naruto?!" another girl's voice. He nearly cried. His savior! Sure, she didn't like him much, but she'd save him even if it was just to tape up the forehead wound…

…aww, crap.

Sakura Haruno, just about the only person he'd gotten to know and like during his one day stay at South High as an Uzumaki, rounded the corner with an already-bandaged Sasuke.

…oh hey, that was his name. Wow. First Roxas, now Sasuke. His brain was apparently awesome when bleeding profusely.

"…Hiiiii, Sakura," he said a bit pathetically, and turned back toward the trio. "Will me telling you he's doing better than fine, not selling his body on the street, and has devoted and loyal friends watching his back get you to let me go?"

"For now," Sora said, a small smile on his face. "Come talk to us some time!"

And get tortured for information? Thanks, but no.

"I can't believe you were talking to Sora and Kairi," Sakura shook her head. "AND Riku! You've certainly moved up in the world, Uzuma-"

"Maxwell," he corrected, glaring at Sasuke. "I'm a Maxwell."

With a 'hmph', Sasuke walked past him, intentionally bumping their shoulders together. As tempting as it was to punch him in the back of a skull, he knew Sakura would kill him if he did.

She gave him a thin smile, and sighed. "I should have known the first day you came back you and Sasuke would be bumping heads."

"He bumped into me!" Naruto protested. "I was just walking around and -" doing a primary reconnaissance sweep! "-getting to know the place!"

Another sigh, this one half-laughter. "Come on, I've got another band-aid in my locker," she said, and Naruto grinned, letting himself be led along by the nice pink-haired nurse-in-training who was actually being nice to him for once, even when she knew he and Sasuke had more or less got in a fist-fight but with their heads.

Sakura was awesome, he decided, and followed, polite enough to not ogle her ass and instead keep up a polite, amusing conversation as they headed for her locker.

Except then Duo came sprinting down the hallway, grabbed Naruto in a fireman's hold, and sprinted back out the main door and into the parking lot, where a waiting Heero was already inside the driver's seat with the car running.

"Wha-WAIT! Duo! What about school?!" Naruto gaped as he was bodily tossed into the back seat, door shut behind him and Duo snapped into the passenger seat. "DUO. What the HELL is going on?!"

In response, Duo just threw a cell phone into his younger brother's lap. Blinking, Naruto put it up to his ear. "…Hello?"

"Hey, Naruto, sorry to ruin your first day of school and all but we have a bit of a problem here at home," Rabi's happy I-will-kill-you-all voice sighed.

"How big a problem?" Naruto asked, and blinked as Yuu Kanda, pitch-black hair tied in a hasty ponytail at the back of his hair, skill still slightly damp, joined Naruto in the back seat.

"Ohhhhh, about the size of my whole floor," Rabi said dryly. "The entire library's been raided. No more books. Yaaaaay."

Naruto blinked. "…well, shit."

"Yeah. Kanda still at kendo club or what?"

"He's right next to me, actua-eeh?" Naruto blinked. The phone was yanked from his hands by the man in question, who seemed to be glaring a burning hole in the back of Heero's seat. The car took off at a blistering speed.

"When?" Kanda asked. Waited. "Any idea who?" A smirk. "I'll hold you to that." A SUDDEN TERRIFYING GLARE. "They better not." Another pause. "Yeah. Okay."

And the phone went back to Duo, who hung it up.

"The twins?" Kanda asked.

"Still trying," Duo sighed, and put the phone to his ear one more time.

---

"Gaaaaaah, I fucking hate our uniforms," Axel winced as he and Luxord climbed down a ladder and into the subway tunnels, a few rungs above him. The leather of his coat was smacking into Axel's face. "Ever thought of upgrading to a waist-length coat, Luxord?"

The blond man just snorted at that, shaking his head as Axel touched down on the concrete and moved out of the drop zone.

"We're looking for some weapons cache down here, so the odds are more in our favor if we split up," Luxord said, eyes sweeping from one direction to the other.

"Have I ever told you I hate how you always turn everything into a bet?" he griped, and shook his head. "Eleven active members and I get stuck with the gambling addict."

"Everyone gets stuck with everyone else," Luxord smirked, not terribly bothered by the statement. "I'd bet not everyone is terribly keen on working with you either, Axel."

"Yeah, whatever," he muttered, only to pause. "You hear that?"

"Hear what?"

There was whispering from the left. No, not whispering, it was muffled voices. Muffled…bickering?

He hand-signaled 'wait here, will scout and return' to Luxord, who just shrugged and leaned against the wall, clearly not bothered at all with doing nothing for a while. Of course, that didn't sit too well with Axel, who finished up the hand signals with a one-fingered salute before slinking off.

"-I'm not shitting you, Rude, I heard something down there," an all-too-familiar voice snapped as Axel moved closer. "Someone else is down here."

With a groan, Axel flung the hood of his coat back and just walked straight out of the shadows.

His twin blinked, and groaned. "Fuck it, are we on the same side at least this time?"

Axel sighed. "Weapons cache?"

"Grab and dash," Reno muttered, and rolled his eyes. With a practiced flick, the rod was stowed up his sleeve and he moved, almost bored, towards Axel. "Usual method, or want to add some flavor?"

"I'm tired and it stinks down here, so usual." Axel stated blandly.

Rude, used to seeing this every now and then, sighed and moved a bit further away. The twins turned back to back.

"Rock, paper, scissors!"

The two turned, hands in the same position as when they hadn't been looking at each other. (Maxwells don't cheat each other, after all.)

Axel grimaced at his scissors while Reno smirked from his rock. "Nighty night, bro."

"Motherfucker," Axel growled out, although whether it was to his twin or his luck Rude didn't know, and Reno punched him hard enough in the face that the other redhead was knocked out and fell to the ground.

Reno shook out his hand. "Ow. Now where the hell is this weapons cache…?"

Which was, of course, when both Maxwells' emergency cells rang due to a sudden satellite burst and two very determined brothers dialing them every five seconds.


End file.
